Quiet candidates, colorful resumes, and asshole house centipedes

by Rich DeMatteo on October 13, 2010 · 16 comments

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I’m currently a little exhausted, bitter from spending too much on dry cleaning, and craving a buffalo chicken wrap that will be impossible to get my hands on right now.  These issues may or may not be the reason I’m about to unload a hefty rant on the world.  Well, whatever the reason, try to enjoy.  I know I will.

Things that are currently on my shit list…

Quiet Candidates

When I call you for a phone screen, I need to hear you clearly.  To do this, you can control a few factors.  Here they are:

  • Find a location where you won’t be interrupted or be heard by people that shouldn’t hear your conversation
  • Call from a phone that allows me to hear you loud and clear
  • Call from a location where we will not be cut off or interrupted

Let me review the above.  Don’t call me when you are around your boss or other employees.  Your whispers suck.  I hate them.  Don’t call me from your weak ass cell phone that dips in and out of service.  Clear?  OK

OK, so then we have some other things that you may or may not be able to control, but probably can work on.  Here they are:

  • Speak up
  • Don’t mumble
  • Be assertive
  • Be confident or at least sound confident

If you’re able to take care of the four items above, then you’re ahead of the game in a big way.  If another candidate has more experience and more skill than you, you might just swoop in and steal the job from them with your communication skills.  It happens.

Colorful Resumes

Resumes do not need color to stand out.  Cornz likes his resume world to shine brilliantly in black and white.  When I see a little bit of color I smirk, when I see a ton of color I cringe.  Graphics that you upload onto your resume are also a huge waste of time.  Not only do I think they are kind of lame, but they also may stop your resume from being scanned correctly into an Applicant Tracking System.

Give me black text and lots of white space for my eyes.  Thanks.

House Centipeds

Go eat an ass, house centipedes.

The house I moved into is amazing and I do love it.  Just…every now and then I see a house centipede and they are the worst.  I hate them and all of their stupid legs.  Sorry animal lovers, but I’m like John Rambo when I see one of these suckers.  My list of weapons include shoes, water, vacuums, paper towels, magazines, and news papers.  I’ll do whatever it takes to destroy them.

I hope they rot in hell with stink bugs.

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16 comments
JobJenny
JobJenny

no no no no no on the colored paper. Just no. Find a real way to differentiate yourself, oh Job Seeker. And yes. Standard fonts. You want to pass through an Applicant Tracking System and actually have a shot at an interview? Standard fonts. As for the centipedes... I feel for the poor bastards. They're just wiggling along on their 450 legs doing there thing... :) Fun post!

Karl "City" Sylvester
Karl "City" Sylvester

I'll take house centipedes any day over carpenter ants. Carpenter ants suck seriously.

Katie
Katie

Hairspray. That's what I use to defeat nasty, ugly, creepy, gag reflex-inducing house centipedes.

Edward - Entry Level Dilemma
Edward - Entry Level Dilemma

While I grudgingly understand while phone screens are neccessary in this job market, I really hate them. If you want a good sense of my strengths and weaknesses, you won't get them over the phone, except that the phone is my biggest weakness.

Rich DeMatteo
Rich DeMatteo

Hey Reed - thanks for sharing this! Great info. Be careful with color, and it seems like you don't use too much. Also, a lot of recruiters don't like resumes printed out on both sides. Be aware of this! Thanks!

@LauraVezer
@LauraVezer

WHITE SPACE RULES!!! And, 10 pt arial font. NO COMIC SANS PLEASE. Word, Rich :)

Bryant Turnage
Bryant Turnage

Nice post, Rich, but whenever I hear job search experts speak out against color in resumes, I have to chime in with a differing opinion. When it comes to resume packages for creative types (architects, graphic designers, graphic artists, etc.), color is not a requirement, but can often be a welcome addition. Images can also be useful in the resume packages of these professionals. Often they appear on a separate "teaser" page in the resume package, but occasionally one or a few small images can be added to the actual CV that tie in with the teaser and/or portfolio. Designers and artists tend to be very visual people, so when your resume is being seen by an actual human instead of scanned into a system it can make a significant difference and make you stand out. Obviously, that doesn't make as much of a difference if you're a banker or a telemarketer or a sales representative, or if you're exclusively applying through online systems. But for those applying to smaller companies or in creative fields it can be an important consideration.

Rich DeMatteo
Rich DeMatteo

Hey Jenny - Thanks for adding in your thoughts and confirmation! I hate all of their 450 legs...HATE

Rich DeMatteo
Rich DeMatteo

Hey Karl - I don't have much exp with those carpenter ants. For now, I'll stick with my gut on these pedes

Rich DeMatteo
Rich DeMatteo

I can always count on you to think I'm actually funny. Thanks, Bridget!

Rich DeMatteo
Rich DeMatteo

Haha, they are definitely gag reflex-inducing. I'll keep some spray around!

Rich DeMatteo
Rich DeMatteo

Hey Edward - Many people feel like you do, but there are ways to practice this! Depending on what you want to do, some places won't put much emphasis on your phone screen. If you can recite your experience, and just that, then you should be good to go.

Rich DeMatteo
Rich DeMatteo

Hey Bryant - You make a great point that I forgot to cover. In some areas, design and creativity makes sense, and I thank you for pointing that out. In my grumpy bantering, I forgot to include that!